Saturday, August 6, 2011

Finding my way back home again

Something terrible happened when I started my new job. I was working so late that I couldn't visit the library. I have gone 3 months without doing the one major thing that I love to do for myself. 
I shouldn't have done that. I should have found a way.
But it's just so hard for me to rationalize being gone all day at work, then taking even more time away from my family just to do something for fun.
The new job has given such a mixed bag of emotions. On one hand I feel a greater sense of independence, but on the other hand I feel a little disconnected from my usual world. I've lived for 11 years as someone's care-taker. Whether that was my husband, before sobriety took hold, or our many children. I've never really even thought abut what it is that I need to be happy. Sure, I have ideas like everyone else. I have always wanted to have some sort of Science degree, but that isn't what I'm talking about.

I'm the kind of person who is easily guilted into letting herself be last. I do things like getting a babysitter for a night out, then cancelling because I feel bad about asking somebody to watch my kids. I don't visit people because my family is large and I feel like we are a huge imposition.
When I type these things out, I see that it's ridiculous. But in my head, I just want to make sure that I am not being selfish. I often think that I come off as a very selfish person. Sometimes I talk too much about myself, because I'm nervous with people.
But the problem with believing yourself to be undeserving of receiving your wants & needs is that eventually you become a martyr.
And that is something I do not want.

So today I went to the library.
Ella K McClatchy Library, Sacramento, CA
I picked out a bag full of books.
 3 kid's books, Gone With The Wind & The Thorn Birds
And I left with this:
a smile.
I'm going to try to do things that make me happy, and not feel bad about doing it. 

1 comment:

  1. Indeed! I believe in making yourself happy in order to make others happy. Emotions, energy, feelings are all contagious. =)


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