Confessions of the eating disordered

I know a lot of women who, when they're having a bad day, jokingly say that they're going to "eat their feelings". It's kind of a true statement. I mean, it's sad, but true for way too many of us.

For some it's more than a bad joke to poke fun at our hormonal selves.
For me, for instance, it's a life-long problem.

Hi, my name is Mrs. Miscellanea and I have an eating disorder.

I didn't realize that I had a problem until I was 27, but in reality, it was there from a very early age. As a teenager I took diet pills and starved myself because it was so easy to control. I always felt like the fat friend, even when I was 5'9 and 112lbs and people were telling me -no- begging me, to eat something. I'm not sure what it is about my perception of myself but it has always been slightly askew. I only recently (through the help of a majorly confident friend) began to think of myself as somewhat attractive and somebody worth knowing.

But back to the food issues at hand. 2006 was a very rough year for me.....for my family as a whole. Illness, addiction recovery, death, we had it all that year. And the way I chose to cope was by visiting the drive-thru a couple times a day -between regular meals- and eating until I physically could not put any more food into my body. 

Having been born with a gastrointestinal defect, this created so. many. problems. 

I was miserable all of the time, but I couldn't stop myself. My stomach would hurt so bad that I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. My joints hurt. I had migraines. But I kept eating.

Until one day in Fall, I happened to drive passed a Weight Watchers and that's when it hit me. 

I had to get a hold of myself. So, I joined and Weight Watchers became my version of AA. 

It wasn't about losing weight for me, it was about self-control, and WW was really beneficial because of their amazing support system. Since then, I've been much better but I do fall off the wagon from time to time. 

I know what you're thinking- it just sounds like I like food. Well yes, everyone does, but no, that is not my problem. I use food the way an alcoholic uses beer. 

I don't gorge myself because I enjoy it. I do it to feel better. Or to punish myself. Or to celebrate. Or to mourn a loss. And it's not a piece of cake. It's a half a sheet cake at midnight after everyone goes to bed, a family sized bag of chips in my car when no one is around, a whole watermelon to myself, until I feel so ill that I cannot even move.

And then the next day, I will work out for 3 hours, eat a bowl of veggies and a rice cake and admonish myself for the misdeeds of the previous day. 

Binge, starve, binge, starve. It's another one of those things that people don't talk enough about.

Well, I'm here to tell you that yes, the cycle is brutal, but I intend to break it.

http://loveyourbody.nowfoundation.org/

If you feel like you're starving, you probably are.

Back in 2006 I was going through a lot of family stuff.                              Depression set in & I started to eat my feelings.

Luckily, I was able to recognize what I was doing & put an end to it.
I joined Weight Watchers & successfully lost 18 lbs and I have kept it off, even after my last pregnancy- though it did take some work.
So, thinking back on how well it worked for me before, I thought I'd just go back on the "Points System" and that would be that.
What I failed to realize is that I am already at a healthy weight.
My sugar levels are perfect, my cholesterol is low and my waist to hip ratio is perfect.
So, here I was for the last 2 days counting my points and eating.....wait for it....... roughly 1250 calories.
To maintain a healthy weight, I should be eating about 2000 calories and to lose weight gradually I should lower that to about 1850.
So last night when I told Jude I was starving- I really was.

I had to reassess my diet/fitness plan a bit and this is what I'm going to do.
I'm going to continue on with the 30mins+ of exercise daily and drinking a ton of water, but instead of using the "Points System" I will be doing the following:

Cut out hydrogenated oils
Cut sugar (and HFCS, but we already cut that out last year)
No bleached flour or enriched flour (we already buy whole wheat but this goes for eating out, too)
Cut out most white foods, except for cauliflower, egg whits & fish.
Only eat when hungry!

So, I'm going to start this over the healthy way.


A word to the wise: do your research, don't just jump into a diet without really knowing what you're getting yourself into, it could kill you.